


There He Is: Mr. Sunshine

by Antimonicacid



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-11 10:39:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13522497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Antimonicacid/pseuds/Antimonicacid
Summary: "It’s in that moment that Sasuke decides that he’s going to smash the fuck out of Naruto 'Mr. Sunshine Assmeat' Uzumaki."Or the story of what not to do when your favorite gay for pay model shows up in your college class





	1. Oh.

Here’s something you learn in college real quick: Everybody feels like shit, everybody looks like shit, and nobody gives a shit. It’s the mantra Sasuke repeats to himself as he quiets the blasting alarm for the third time that morning. Or at least he tries to. He’s not sure why he thought installing one of them “Smart Alarms” on his phone was a good idea, but it wasn’t, and the incessant chiming of gongs and bells continue to sound no matter how much he groans.

That’s fine. He’s okay with living this life. His alarm rings on, but now muffled with a pillow, and once against technology is thwarted by the will of man. 

At least until the vibrations start.

Stupid fucking smart alarm. 

He turns over in bed, arms and legs spread in the classic existential starfish pose, and stares up at the small crack in his ceiling from when his upstairs neighbor toppled a bookshelf. 

_ Feel like shit? Checked. _

He thinks it’d be redundant to look at the time and find out if he was late for class. He doesn’t need to have that knowledge just yet. Instead he opts to lay for a moment longer revelling in his own self sabotaging apathetic reluctance, and when that becomes too self pitying even for him only then does he stand. 

His hair feels greasy. From scalp to tip. He finger combs through the mess, tugging at knots and inspecting the loose strands of black hair that get caught on hands. He can’t seem to remember who, but someone insisted a few weeks back that they had spotted a gray hair or two nestled in between his youthful locks. 

If anyone would go gray at 21 it’d be him wouldn’t it. 

Fuck. Even he was starting to get annoyed at his own self deprecation. 

_ Whiny lil baby. _

_ What are you? An insecure teenage girl?  _

_ Go write about it in your fucking diary maybe. _

He’s been awake for a three minutes.

That combined with the still shrieking clock was enough to push him out of bed and in less than five minutes out of his room too. He walks phone in hand through his living room. Only pausing long enough to pass Sakura sitting on his couch eating oatmeal in her underwear, and tosses the phone to her. 

“Make it shut up,” he yells without looking back and pushing the bathroom door open. 

He can hear her tapping at the screen over the noise and a few seconds later the resounding artificial bells are quieted. He left the door open a crack and can hear her yelling “You gotta solve the puzzle to turn it off, Sasuke! It’s not that hard!” and rolls his eyes in response. 

A quick piss later and then toothbrush in hand he steps out of the bathroom and says with a mouth full of minty paste “it’s a stupid alarm. It didn’t even wake me up.” 

Sakura scoffs at that. “Just a thought but maybe  _ you’re _ the problem here?” 

“Maybe so, but why would I blame myself when this is more convenient?” 

She laughs at that, but not in the way that makes it feel like he told a funny joke. More so like he’s the joke. God, sometimes he misses when she had a crush on him. She was so much nicer about his shortcomings. 

“Did you make extra?” he nods towards her oatmeal in her lap and walks towards the kitchen to investigate for himself. 

“Nope,” She’s almost cheerful in her reply. 

Sasuke groans and spits the glob of toothpaste accumulating in his cheek into the kitchen sink. He didn’t want to make his own breakfast. 

“Gross!” Sakura yells and tosses a couch pillow at him, her aim remarkably good for being in a different room. “Clean that up!” 

God, sometimes he really misses her straight phase.

Sasuke sighs and runs the faucet on full blast for a few seconds before dipping his head down to drink directly from it. “Gotta go to class,” He tells her. “I think i might be late.” 

Sakura turns her head to the clock leaning against the wall on top of a bookshelf. It had been a gift, but neither felt enthused enough about it to properly hang it up. “I mean yeah it’s already-” 

“Shhhhh don’t tell me,” he cuts her off. “I’m trying to block it out just a lil while longer.” He leans against the kitchen counter, closes his eyes, and sighs. “If I don’t know about it then it’s not real.” 

“Okay,” she says with as much skepticism she can squeeze into a single word. “I’m just saying. Time may not be real, but you still might wanna-” she mimes swinging her arms back and forth and puffing her cheeks out as if she’s breathing heavily from a brisk run. 

“Will do,” Sasuke says still just standing there and still with his eyes closed. 

“Oh, also your softcore bear porn came in the mail,” she holds a thin magazine with a light blue cover up in the air. He can make out the of a man if he squints, posing casually in what seems to be a letterman jacket, and adorned with gold lettering that says  _ TWINKLE _ . Oh fuck yeah. 

“You’re the one who told me to support more queer owned businesses,” Sasuke defends his choices in literature casually. 

“No, I told you that it would be a good idea for you to strive to support more lgbt services. Like volunteer at a clinic or donate to a shelter.  Not feed into the porn industry’s commodification of sexuality and liberal sex positivity being capitalized off of-” 

“Wow, Sakura that sure does sound homonormative,” As a statement it doesn’t make sense, but it’s enough to make her face flash red in irritation. 

“When are you going to let that joke go?” 

“When it stops being funny,” He answers. “But really it’s fine. It’s just pinups basically. Not a cock in sight to burn your puritan virgin eyes.” 

She starts flipping through the magazine, ignoring Sasuke’s protests of  _ no spoilers _ and comments “This is amazing photography work. It’s tasteful in a lot of ways. You can see the ways they’re going for a subversion of traditional masculine roles in a softer light while still sexualizing those experiences and-” 

“Sakura, I just wanna jack off to beefy men,” Sasuke interrupts her. 

“Honestly? Fair,” She tosses it to him. 

Sasuke catches it easily. “Oh fuck yeah, ”he says with the most genuine enthusiasm he’s managed to muster up this morning upon examining the cover. 

“Is it a good issue?” Sakura asks actually intrigued. “Or is it another August disappointment?” 

Sasuke shudders at the memory. “No, this one is good. The last one had some boring ass twink wannabe as a center spread who couldn’t pout to save his life, but this one’s fine. I heard there’s a-” he says flipping through the colorful pages rapidly until he lands on the one he wants. “-Full body spread yes  _ thank you god up above for your deliverance amen _ .” 

Sakura laughs. “Is it Mr. Sunshine Assmeat again?” 

“The Lord cometh like a thief in the night and so will I,” he says and tries not to laugh when Sakura covers her ears and yells at him to stop. 

The spread is good. A series of photographs in a mock dorm room setting. The lighting is odd. Soft pinks and blues filtering in geometric shapes across the models skin. Sasuke didn’t lie, there really was nothing explicit about it, but still, it oozed sexuality. The ruffled blond hair damp and sticking to the model’s forehead. The slightly ajar loosened belt. The model was positioned on the bed so casually. A book in hand on thermodynamics as if college students saw that as light reading or something. His legs were spread and it made his jeans strain against his thighs, his thumb at the corner of his mouth as if he was focusing so hard, and there was no shirt under that letterman jacket. 

There was something so soft about his features. The way his skin glistened spotless and smooth. His face and body still holding a round thickness to it in a way that real athletes- not the porn star knockoffs- so often do. This photo didn’t show it, but there was always his smile. Something Sasuke had burned into his memory. So soft and pink and warm like playing in the park on a bright summer’s day. 

_ Mr. Sunshine Assmeat thank you for your fucking service.   _

“You uh good there,” Sakura says with raised eyebrows. 

Sasuke holds up the magazine in reply. “He looks so fucking fine,” and pays no mind when she rolls her eyes. “You know,” Sasuke says “They have a sister magazine for all your spelunking needs and-” The second couch pillow comes hurtling at him. “ _ Wow _ , I guess my  _ allyship _ isn’t appreciated!” 

“I’m good thank you,” she raises her nose to the air. 

Sasuke looks her over. Dirty tank top, no bra, and no pants. She has oatmeal drying on her cheek, her hair pinned back with a barrette, and he’s not entirely sure she brushed her teeth yet. 

“You look like shit,” he tells her honestly. 

She laughs. “So do you, but I don’t have class for another two hours. You however-” 

“SHHHHHHHH don’t tell me-” he tries to interject. 

“It’s already 8:45 and your sweatpants has mustard stains.” 

“Oh,” Sasuke says without a crack in his face. At least he can cross  _ look like shit _ off his list. “Well, it could’ve been worse.” 

“How so?” 

“It’s not noon,” he answers and Sakura laughs that same judgemental laugh. 

“When does your class start?” She moves into damage control. 

“8:50.” 

“And are you going to skip?” She probes harder trying to make him react in some way as if this is real. 

“Can’t. Academic probation.” 

“Well,” she says and turns back to her breakfast. “Good fucking luck.” 

It’s on that last somber note that Sasuke starts running. He tosses his toothbrush on the counter and curses when it splatters on the latest edition of  _ Twinkle.  _ Forces his shoes on without socks and bursts out the door without shutting it behind him. His college isn’t too far away, a fifteen minute walk at most, and if he rushes then maybe it won’t be too bad. 

It’s a little before nine by the time he’s in front of his class’ door, out of breath, trying to compose himself to enter the room without looking like an ugly piece of shit. Once upon a time he could run two miles in the morning with barely breaking a sweat, but that was almost five years ago back before he started smoking half a pack a day. So now he wipes the sweat from his brow, takes a deep breath, and shakes his head. 

This is fine. He enters the room with his hands in his pockets and his head held high trying to exude the same cool confidence he’s been on since middle school. This is fine. 

“It’s nice of you to join us, Mr. Uchiha,” his professor calls out from the front of the room. He took one of his classes a few semesters ago and too say they bumped heads is a bit of an understatement. 

“Yeah,” he makes a beeline for his seat, not bothering to correct the pronunciation on his name, and the way he had butchered it to sound much closer to  _ Uh-che-hah _ . 

“I just want everyone to be aware that this isn’t a class to take lightly. This isn’t something you can show up ten minutes-” it was only six minutes “-late to and expect to pass. This isn’t a class you can slack in this isn’t just some elective or English course.” The last time he checked English wasn’t really a slack course either. “This is World Mythologies and you will be present and you will be attentive or you will not pass.” He finishes his beginning of the year rant by slamming a fist against the tabletop. 

Sasuke doesn’t respond, already staring out the window, and pretty sure the teacher ego trip shit became lame after high school, but whatever. 

“Now that everybody is  _ here _ we can-” 

He’s interrupted by the door bursting open in a too perfectly comedic timing to possibly be real. A figure barrels into the room, panting and red in the face, and taking up the entire room’s attention without even caring. 

“Shit sorry am I late or something this college is  _ HUGE _ , _ ”  _ a chorus of laughs rings out from the room. The professor not even bothering to repeat his lecture and sighing instead. 

Sasuke squints at him. His figure so familiar, but his brain refusing to make the connection. The blockage in his memory is reminiscent of a repressed memory more than anything. He takes in all the details of his blond hair and tan skin walking down the center of the aisle looking for a seat. 

It dawns on him that he’s feeling the same disconnect as the time he once saw a mildly famous celebrity in a New York cafe. The impossibility of their existence outside a screen. Or maybe outside a magazine. 

Oh. 

Oh no. 

Ohhhhh nooooooo. 

“Hey can I sit here?” The question is posed at Sasuke with a bright grin and raised dark eyebrow. He’d recognize that smile anywhere. The warmth that radiates even from thin magazine pages. 

Sasuke opens his mouth uselessly. His eyes drifting up and down his figure before landing at his groin. Smile be damned, he knows that dickprint  _ intimately. _

“Yeah,” he turns his head away as if he couldn’t care less. “Do what you want. I couldn’t care less.” 

“I mean okay.” Mr. Sunshine Assmeat replies. “You don’t gotta be rude about it.” 

Sasuke doesn’t reply. Trying to force all his willpower into not being phased by the sudden appearance of a gay softporn model in his world mythology class. 

A gay softporn model that he’s spanked his meat to dozens of time. 

_ This isn’t a very sexy wet dream _ is a thought that crosses his mind. 

“-so what’s your name?” Mr. Sunshine Assmeat finishes his statement and Sasuke realizes for the first time that he’s been talking to him for the last minute as the rest of the class began perusing their syllabuses. 

“Why?” He’s never been accused of being good at small talk. 

“What do you mean why? I told you mine it’s only polite,” He frowns at him. So much more emotive in real life than what the pouty still life shots would have you believe. “Are you like stupid or something?” 

Sasuke scoffs at that. “Whatever. Sorry I guess. I didn’t catch your name-” and never before really considered the possibility that his mother hadn’t christened him as Sunshine. “Can you repeat it?” 

He squints at him. Suspicious, but repeats it anyways. “I’m Naruto. Naruto Uzumaki.”

Sasuke screws up his mouth. “Isn’t that like fish or something?” 

He laughs at that. “My parents were second gen they didn’t know any better.” 

Sasuke nods. 

“That was a joke.”

“Oh.” 

“I mean my mom was. I think. I don’t know they’re dead so-” 

“Okay.” 

“Oh should I not have-”

“No it’s fine.” 

“Okay.”

“Any other family trauma you want to unload on me?” 

“Hey, you’re kinda an asshole you know?” 

“Yeah.” He pauses. “I’m Sasuke by the way.” 

Naruto nods and grins again. Sticks his hand out to shake and says “It’s nice to meet you, Sasuke.” 

It’s in that moment that Sasuke decides that he’s going to smash the fuck out of Naruto “Mr. Sunshine Assmeat” Uzumaki. That God doesn’t drop literal actual models into your shitty 9am unless he wants you to get your cheeks beat into actual dust. That his entire college experience has culminated and became worth it for the singular experience and goal of living out every young man’s fantasy of having his entire world rocked by his favorite fake porn artist. 

“You too,” Sasuke replies and shifts in his seat so he can rest his head on his hand and smile faintly at him. “You’re new to the campus?” The school’s big enough that he’s nowhere close to knowing every student there, but he’s sure he’d had notice Naruto earlier. 

“Yeah! Transferrin’ from CCAF. You know the-”

“Community college yeah yeah.” Sasuke raises his eyebrows and continues. “Well if you’re new here then we can grab coffee sometime if you’d want.” 

Naruto beams. Smile warm and teeth white and dimples absolutely dazzling. It’s enough to make his heart skip a beat. “Yeah that’d be really cool, Sasuke!” He’s talking too loud, but Sasuke doesn’t even care enough to be embarrassed for him. “My girlfriend works at this really cool indie type cafe so if you want I can hook us up with half off drinks and-” 

“You have a girlfriend?” It’s not a question that is appropriate to ask in this context. He tries to recover himself. “Does she go here?” 

Naruto doesn’t even notice the lull in conversation. “Nah. She’s at the state school.” 

“Oh. Cool.” Sasuke straightens back up in his seat. Turns back towards to professor as he draws their attention forward. 

Realization begins to finally dawn on him. 

_ God is a homophobe and wants Sasuke Uchiha specifically to die miserable.  _

He can’t bring himself to give a shit about this sad sad fact. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi I'm flimsy and unsure about the likelihood or frequency of updates on this so sorry about that. This is an au based off a textpost of mine  
> "au where naruto is a “straight” guy in college who models for a masc gay men magazine (it isnt like. actually porn. its shirtless men fixing cars and working out and posing in jockstraps) and sasuke owns every single edition narutos in and is completely and fully in love until one day sasukes in english class and someone asks if a seat is taken and he looks up and he literally fucking yelps bc there he fucking is. mr sunshine assmeat in the flesh"  
> So there's the story behind this


	2. Oh No

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasuke consults with Taka on a delicate situation and receives delicate advice in return.

There’s this constant repeating cycle in Sasuke’s life where the things he wears, the hobbies he holds, and habits he maintain go in and out of acceptable desirability depending on the stage of internal growth his peers are accessing. This, of course, happens regardless of his intention to be “cool” or “hip with the kids.” Instead it operates as its own separate entity. The view of his actions twisting and changing and shifting between two extremes while he himself remains apolitical in his own existence.

Sasuke’s living that reminder now. He’s waiting at the bus stop outside of his college trying desperately to dredge up every ounce of miserable self loathing he can in spite of the Californian traitorous sun beaming down like a goddamn telly tubby ad. To his left is a high schooler projecting cheerful hip hop beats out of a speaker embedded in his backpack. To his right some girl he doesn’t know is yapping in his ear about an update to some tedious situation she has been struggling to unravel with her small friend group. 

This is the fourth or fifth time this month he has found himself in this exact circumstances. The same girl bright and smiley. Sasuke looking off into the street and grunting affirmatively to her comments even as he stares down a oncoming bus and considers leaping in front of it while claiming “I was shoved!” 

“-and I took your advice from last week and decided that I should just talk to him and like be open about my feelings and what I need in a relationship. I matter too and we’ve all been friends for-fucking-ever and just because those two finally decided to shack up and go out doesn’t mean they can push me out of the group. You’re right! It’s not fair!” 

Sasuke shrugs his shoulders at his past self’s apparently baller advice and continues to rummage through his backpack in search of the crushed and crinkled pack of slims he had shoved in there last night. 

“-so do you think it’s a good idea? Should I just go for it?” 

Sasuke pops to attention, cigarette dangling limp from his mouth as he’s caught off guard at the sudden necessity of his input. “Uhhhhh,” he answers while he glares cross eyed at the distinct 90 degree angle plaguing the middle of of the cigarette. 

She takes a look at him and scrunches her nose up. “Oh come on, dude,” She complains while twisting a flyaway hair back into place of her otherwise meticulous buns. “You know I have asthma.” 

Sasuke blinks twice and she huffs in return. 

“Remember?” She prods his memory. “Fifth grade during recess when I went way too hard during kickball and they had to call an ambulance because I didn’t have my inhaler cuz Temari flushed it down the toilet during the Halloween party because she was crazy and a megabitch so I almost passed out and Lee thought I was dying and tried to give me mouth to mouth while crying about heroically sacrificing his first kiss for my life so Mr. Sarutobi had to physically hold him back because he was afraid my mom would file a lawsuit (which she would’ve) and all that was a huge mess obviously so that’s why we had to do school wide assemblies on safe exercise once a month for the rest of the year until Coach Gai fucked up his back demonstrating a backflip and they cancelled the program?” 

Sasuke did distinctly remember being ten and seeing their gym teacher carried out on a stretcher, but otherwise…. No? 

“Did you- Wait did we- You went to school with me?” 

There’s a pause as her mouth pops open in a perfect pink and glossy “O” that gradually takes form into “-h my GOD.”

“You’re really a complete psychopath oh my God Sasuke what is wrong with you there is no possible way you can be this self absorbed and conceited and-” Her voice continues to rise and rise until the pitch is shrill and grating. 

“Are you done?” Sasuke cuts her off finally.  
  
“I’ve known you for ten years!” she yells. 

“Says who?” Sasuke yells back red in the face and confused as to when he also started shouting. 

“Christ on a cracker,” She mumbles and turns away while twirling a hair around her bun so hard Sasuke’s sure it must sting. “You know, I use to think that shit was so cool. When you rolled back into Midcreek High after nobody seen you all those years and pulled out a pack of slims. Everybody talked about how badass you were. How counterculture and out there and rebellious it was. Because fuck D.A.R.E I guess?” She spits the accusation like he had personally ruined the reputation of the elite anti drug establishment. “But it’s whatever now, I guess. It’s just kinda sad. A little pathetic. None of this-” She gestures at him widely. “Cool guy shit is intentional, is it?” She tilts her head to the side. A look of genuine worry on her face. “You really gonna live like this?” 

Sasuke squints at her. Not really listening and instead trying desperately to place her face to a memory, but drawing a blank. He suspects that this may have been easier if he had listened to her rambles on relationship troubles or whatever that she had been updating him on daily as they wait for the 48 that goes to the East end. 

“You’re-” Sasuke scowls and tries to give it one more shot. Tries to be a little less of an asshole. Tries to go against his nature and quell the flames rapidly consuming this unknown bridge that apparently spans a decade back. “You’re Neji’s cousin, right?” 

The look he receives in return is scalding. Not even an answer or a nod instead it’s just hot fiery silence that says it all. 

Whatever. Sasuke lights the fucking cigarette. Burn baby burn.

…

The 48 rolls up eventually and Sasuke makes a point to place his ratty backpack on the seat next to him. The girl obviously had no intention of sitting beside him in the first place and instead stands with her back to him texting with a rapid speed as the bus jolts and jitters its way down the road. 

The thick fog of animosity soon dispels, not because of any effort of either party, but because fifteen minutes in they arrive at the edge of the East end and the girl exits without another word. 

Sasuke rides it out, past the point where most of the other passengers had exited, and all the way to the end of the line. 

The whole thing is stupid. He allows himself to flounder in the miserable waves of bitterness as he walks down the street and chews on the cord of of a broken pair of headphones. As if he’s some sort of pitiful broken raccoon too broke to even afford the good garbage and instead has to settle for the filling meal of probable lead poisoning or whatever is inside 6 dollar earbuds. Maybe he’s not even a raccoon. Raccoons can be cute maybe he’s a garbage rat. No rats can be cute too remember pizza rat. Maybe he’s just a disgusting roach testing the limits of his tolerance to radiation and-

The ten minute walk flies by and soon he is standing in front of the broken gate of a small gray house. He lifts the gate to the side to enter before propping it back up misaligned where he found it. There’s a key stashed inside a potted plant on the “porch” of the house. Sasuke has to lift it up and dig under the roots to find it covered in dirt. The worst anti burglary system there he’s sure. It’s fine though and he expertly twists the key in the lock while at the same time popping the door out of place in the specific and only way to get the broken hunk of junk to allow him entry. 

“Hey,” Sasuke calls out while kicking his shoes off. 

Suigetsu literally rolls into view. He’s sitting crossed legged on a rolling chair, a pop-tart in his mouth, and a laptop on his lap. “Hey Sasuke,” he spits crumbs out in greeting. “What you up to?” 

“Is Karin here?” Sasuke asks and without any move to come any closer. 

“Nah. She’s out grocery shopping.” 

“Oh,” Sasuke nods and relaxes. “Good. I just had the worst encounter with the biggest bitch.” 

The words are barely out of his mouth before he hears a clanging in the kitchen. He sees a flash of red followed with something silver and small and probably painful hurtling towards him. Suigetsu pushes off the wall and swivels away barely avoiding blocking its path. Sasuke reacts on instinct dropping to the ground at the last second as a fork clatters angry and loud against the door. 

“DON’T SAY BITCH, SASUKE! IT’S MISOGYNISTIC!” Karin lectures from the kitchen down the hall. 

Sasuke squints at Suigetsu. “Traitor.” He accuses while Suigetsu spins slow circles and grins toothy and demonic. 

“It’s your fault for thinking she’d ever go grocery shopping,” He cackles. 

Well, he can’t argue with that one. 

Karin can though. She exits the kitchen and kicks Suigetsu’s swivel chair so hard he comes charging at Sasuke. Sasuke’s fast enough to catch him and he gives it a good spin that Suigetsu accepts without complaint. Karin leans against the doorframe of the kitchen and waves innocent as if she hasn’t tried to kill them several times in the last minute.

There’s a creak on the upper floor and a few seconds later Juugo pokes his head out from the top of the stairs. A small white head reveals itself from behind Juugo’s feet and yaps lazily. Sasuke hates that ugly rat dog, but despite that he’s still happy to see Juugo.

“Hi Sasuke,” Juugo greets him like a normal person and Sasuke feels nothing but gratitude for the simple things in life. 

“Hi Juugo,” Sasuke responds. “Now that I have everybody gathered here,” he begins. “I have some unfortunate news.” 

“I want to guess!” Suigetsu and Karin both yell out while Juugo raises his hand like they’re in class. 

“Well, that only seems fair,” Sasuke allows. 

Karin goes first. “Sakura is kicking you out because you’re a shitty roommate and now you’re homeless and have to sleep on the sweaty futon with Suigetsu.” 

“No,” Sasuke shoots her down. “Also if she does I’m taking your room.” 

Karin laughs “If she does that’s cuz I’m already in her bed and-” 

“Disgusting.” Sasuke interrupts her mid hip thrust. “Sakura’s a perma virgin I don’t want to discuss this further. Suigetsu?” 

Suitgetsu points the last of his half eaten pop tart at him and lets the crumbs fall to the ground. “You’ve lost both testicals in a freak accident.” 

“No,” He rolls his eyes. “Juugo?” 

He doesn’t respond. Sasuke looks to his left and sees that Juugo is indeed still standing at the top of the top staircase. 

“Was it also the testical theory?” He asks while sighing. 

Juugo nods. 

“Sasuke, dude,” Suigetsu crows out. “I can lend you three inches, but it’s all I got and-” 

Sasuke kicks his chair back down the hall and away from him. 

“No. Unfortunately the issue at hand is much more in depth, nuanced, and unlikely than the trite examples you three have provided.” 

Suigetsu rolls his eyes and slouches into his chair. “D’you gotta talk like that? Some of us didn’t finish high school.” 

“Shut up.” 

“I WANNA TALK ABOUT YOUR BALLS, SASUKE.” Suigetsu insists. 

“Are you done?” 

Suigetsu takes a moment to think about it before nodding. 

“Okay so apparently my favorite gay pinup model Mr. Sunshine Assmeat is in my Mythologies class but surprise surprise he’s not actually gay and has a girlfriend, but honestly I think he might be down to fuck anyways so what do we think?” Sasuke says stoned face.

There’s a rare moment of pause as his words sink in and the wheels starting turning in their collective minds as they figure out exactly how to respond. 

“Who’s Sunshine Dickmeat?” 

“Oh my God I always wanted to be an extra in a porno can you fuck in my kitchen?”

“MR. SUNSHINE STOLE YOUR NUTS, SASUKE?” 

…

It doesn’t take long to explain even with the various interjections and sidebar conversations inherent in any conversation within the Taka Household. Still, by the time Sasuke finish his enthralling story the dog is barking and turning backflips and Karin is yelling that she’s not going to clean up puppy piss. 

With some reluctance Sasuke follows Suigetsu outside to walk the dog. Karin has a passing knowledge of Mr. Sunshine and his sexy antics in TWINKLE, but Sasuke has a distinct hatred for hearing her talk about the materials he beats his meat to. So Suigetsu would have to suffice unless Juugo decides on a whim to grow a sex drive and an affinity for dumb looking blond jocks. 

“I’m tellin’ ya this is all an elaborate set up or something. Mr. Assmeat the third is launching a reality tv show where he shows up to poor repressed boys’ colleges and see how big of a fool he can make you seem,” Suigetsu rants while waving the dog’s leash

“I’m not repressed,” Sasuke defends himself while taking away the leash from Suigetsu’s dangerous grasp. 

Suigetsu snorts and Sasuke takes a deep breath to steady himself. “I,” Sasuke begins his defense. “Am not repressed?” It’s a pretty shitty defense. 

“Oh Sasuke, you know nothing brings me more joy in life than talking about your sex life,” Suigetsu says without having the decency to even fake sarcasm. “Now please please please do me the honors of refreshing my memories of when was the last time you got any action. Was it last week? Oh no too soon? This month? The past six months? Heaven forbid you go a full year without knowing the sweet embrace of a woman,” Suigetsu mourns. 

Sasuke doesn’t say anything. Instead he and the dog just quicken their pace in an attempt to run away from this catastrophe of a conversation. 

This does nothing but egg Suigetsu on further. Behind him Suigetsu stands completely still with both hands on his hips. His face is locked in a comical display of horror and awe, with his jaw dropped, and his eyebrows raised to their limit. “SASUKE UCHIHA!” Suigetsu calls out at the top of his lungs. “HAVE YOU NOT HAD YOUR ASSHOLE PLAYED WITH FOR A WHOLE YEAR?”

Sasuke walks faster. 

He can hear the sound of Suigetsu’s birkenstocks slapping across the asphalt alongside a furious warrior screech. Sasuke books it, hoping against hope that the little rat dog’s lungs can keep up, as he sprints down the street trying to avoid this conversation. 

It’s on the turn that fucks him up. He rounds the corner at full speed and collides face first with something firm and warm and hard yet soft and-

Oh dear God.

A thick pair of arms wrap around Sasuke’s shoulders and steadies him. “Woah there,” an oddly familiar voice chimes in surprised. 

Sasuke looks up and stares in abject horror as he takes in the sight of Mr. Sunshine. 

“Oh shit,” Mr. Sunshine says. “Fancy meetin’ you here, huh?” He laughs at his own dorky joke without a shred of humility or self awareness. 

“Yeah,” Sasuke responds gobsmacked. He hears Suigetsu’s wild cackle and takes this as proof that he has caught up to him. 

“Sasuke, right?” Mr. Sunshine confirms his name and Sasuke is confronted with the fact that he can’t remember Mr. Sunshine’s Christian name. 

“UHHHHHH,” Sasuke says instead. 

“Oh crap I’m still holdin’ on to you, aren’t I?” He says and gives another hearty laugh that Sasuke can feel reverberate straight through his very core before he finally lets him go.

“Saaaasuke,” Suigetsu slinks up behind him like the weasel he is. “Who is this?” 

“Naruto Uzumaki,” Naruto says and Sasuke sighs in relief. “We’re college friends.” Naruto informs both Suigetsu and Sasuke of this fact. 

Suigetsu being the prick that he is looks delighted. “Wow that’s really so cool. I’m Suigetsu,” He says. “Are you single?” He says. 

“Shut up,” Sasuke hisses at him. “Don’t answer that. He’s missing a chunk of his brain.” 

Suigetsu cackles. “That’s mainly true, but more importantly, Mr…..” he draws out his name and watches Sasuke as he squirms. “......Uzumaki. I want to hear about you. It’s not often Sasuke drags home a friend and-”

“We’re not in any home,” Sasuke corrects him  
.  
“Uhh,” Naruto stammers confused. 

“Mr. Uzumaki,” Suigetsu says. 

“You can just call me Naruto,” Naruto replies. 

“I won’t be doing that, but thank you Mr. Uzumaki it is a pleasure to meet you! Sasuke told me all about you already.” 

That was technically true, Sasuke supposes. “Well,” Sasuke tries to right the flow of conversation, but Suigetsu isn’t just a runaway train, he’s a whole caboose that said fuck gravity and is soaring over the heads of dozens of innocents bystanders while the conductor laughs manically at the tragedy he’s about to cause.

“He didn’t mention everything though. Since you two are still in the getting to know each other stage or something. So fill me–and Sasuke–in on the rest.” Suigetsu throws an arm around Naruto’s shoulder. “Whatcha studying? Picked a major yet? How long have you lived here?” Suigetsu leaned in real close. “D’you got a job?” 

“Okay that’s enough!” Sasuke halts him in his tracks. “Stop harassing-” He takes a deep breath. “-my friend,” He pushes out from behind gritted teeth. 

Naruto’s face lights up at that so it’s not a complete loss of dignity. 

“Sasuke, I just wanna know about Mr. Su-su-suuuuUUUUzumaki’s career prospects!” Suigetsu barely catches his flub in time. 

“Go. Home. Now.” Sasuke isn’t amused. “I’ll walk this dipshit-” He points towards the dog, but doesn’t stop glaring at Suigetsu. “Just go.”  
  
Suigetsu knows this is a losing battle and blows a kiss towards Naruto before scampering off. 

“Uh-” Naruto says. “So you live around here?” 

“No,” Sasuke replies flatly. 

“Okay.” 

“Okay.” 

There is an awful silence. 

“Do you- Do you want to walk this dog with me?” Sasuke asks with a pained expression, the act of prolonging conversation with someone who is essentially a stranger going against his very nature, but he can’t help but feel inclined to do so anyways. 

Naruto’s eyes brighten at the suggestion and his mouth spreads into a grin that makes Sasuke’s heart beat. “Sure!” He sounds so fucking chipper it could kill. 

Sasuke nods and starts walking with assumption Naruto will know to follow. There’s a quiet that lasts only a few footsteps before Naruto is talking. 

“So I have some questions,” Naruto says.

“Mhm,” Sasuke looks straight ahead. “Go for it.”

“So…” Naruto pops his lips and looks up at the sky while walking. “You don’t live ‘round here?” He asks for clarity again.

“No,” Sasuke responds. There’s a beat of quiet before he realizes that he should elaborate further. “My friends do. Suigetsu, the blond one back there.” Sasuke jerks his head back from the direction Suigetsu had walked. “Him and Karin and Juugo and the dog. Yeah they live around here. I’m just visiting. Sometimes I walk the dog.” 

Naruto nods. “Is he your brother? Suigetsu, not the dog.” 

Sasuke snorts. “No. I mean-” Sasuke shrugs. “Yeah no.” 

Naruto narrows his eyes in suspicion. “That’s a weird answer.” He knocks his shoulder into his. “Are you hiding something from me?” 

Sasuke shakes his head. “No. It’s just-” He huffs out annoyed. “We grew up in the same foster home. For a couple of years. We’re close. But not brothers.” 

“Oh,” Naruto says in a softer voice. “I didn’t- I mean- I wanted-” He grimaces. “I mean I also grew up in foster care. My parents-”

“Are dead. Yeah, you mentioned that already today.” 

Naruto laughs. “Did I also mention that you’re kinda an asshole?” 

“Funny thing actually? You did.” 

“Well, I guess I can’t blame you. Foster care will do that to you.” 

“Yeah. I was thinking of making some business cards or something, but instead of saying my contact information it’s just ‘My name is Sasuke. If I’m rude that’s the trauma speaking.’ Think that’ll work?” 

“‘Certified by the Californian foster care system’ with a lil stamp and all. It’ll be perfect.” He grins. “Name: Naruto Uzumaki. Age: 21. Details: You can’t make fun of me my parents are dead.” He writes his own business card. 

“You must get a lot of mileage out of that one,” Sasuke rolls his eyes. 

“Oh, yeah girls love to hear all about it on dates,” Naruto says before leaning in and whispering to Sasuke. “I think they’re convinced I have a secret inheritance.” 

Sasuke laughs along because he doesn’t know what else to do. All the cells in his body are completely electrified at the feeling of Naruto’s breath on his ear. 

They reach the end of the street and Sasuke turns around with Naruto following. 

“So you live around here, right? Or are you stalking me?” Sasuke asks. 

“Yeah yeah. Just rented a place around the corner. Sick coincidence isn’t it?” He sounds genuine in his amazement. 

“Mhm. This neighborhood is a shit show.” 

That makes Naruto laugh again and it sounds so good to Sasuke. His laugh, but also the fact that Sasuke caused it. It sounds good. “Yeah it really is. It’s cheap though. Is that why your friends are living here?” 

Sasuke shrugs. “I think they just like shit shows. Probably why they’re friends with me.” 

“That’s cool. Hey is this your dog?” Naruto’s attention switches over to the real issues. 

“No. It’s Taka’s.” 

“Who’s Taka?” 

“Karin, Suigetsu, and Juugo.”

“You named your friend group?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Are you a boy band or something?” 

“Shut up.” 

“Can I pet your dog?” 

Sasuke nods. Naruto squats down and scratches the dogs behind its ears. “Aren’t you just the cutest!” 

“Thanks,” Sasuke says. 

Naruto scowls at him and sticks his tongue out. “What’s her name?” He asks. 

“It doesn’t have a name. It’s just a dog.” 

Naruto looks like he had been betrayed. “No way. One of you had to name her?” 

“Karin calls it Butthole sometimes. Does that help?”  
  
Naruto cradles ol’ Butthole in his arms. “Don’t talk about her like that! She’s a lady! Okay okay I’ll name her for you.” 

Sasuke squints. “You can’t go around naming other people’s stupid dogs.” 

Naruto doesn’t listen. Instead he sits crossed leg on the sidewalk holding Butthole in his lap. “Let’s see let’s see. Maybe you’re a Betsy? Or a Janine?” 

Sasuke groans. “Why are you deciding it’s an aging white woman in retirement?” 

Naruto ignores him. “Petunia? Or Deliah? Oh I know! Sakura!” 

“NO!” Sasuke yells. 

Naruto laughs while the dog licks his face. “Sasuke doesn’t like Sakura-” 

“You can say that again,” he mumbles.  
“But you do and that’s all that matters!” He looks pleased with himself. 

Sasuke scowls. “Can you let me get this dipshit back home so I can go home too?” 

Naruto looks disappointed. “Okay okay since you’re so busy and all…” He sighs and stands up while dusting his pants off. “Lemme walk you home though.” 

Sasuke allows it. The walk home is much more quiet except for Naruto who whistles to fill in the gap of conversation. Around them the sun is beginning to set and cast a pink halo on everything its rays touches. Sasuke wants to close his eyes and soak in the atmosphere. To let twilight’s aura consume him. He’s surprised at how comfortable walking side by side with Naruto is. As if they’ve done this dozen of times before. 

Eventually they reach Taka’s broken gate. “So this is me,” Sasuke says trying to ignore the fact that it feels like the end of a first date he doesn’t want to abandon just yet. 

Naruto shuffles next to him. “Yeah.” 

“So… Bye?” Sasuke says. Naruto doesn’t respond and Sasuke turns to leave. He’s stopped by Naruto’s hand on his arm, grabbing him and tugging him to face him. 

“Sasuke,” Naruto says and his eyes are wide and his face a little flushed. “This might sound a lil crazy and I don’t wanna freak ya out or anything, but I guess I’m a lil crazy sometimes so I figured I might as well,” Naruto says sounding just as bonkers as he thinks. Sasuke doesn’t pull away though and stands paralyzed letting Naruto speak. “But it’s such a coincidence that I’d see you here and it was real great talkin’ to ya and I don’t know maybe it’s not a coincidence.” He lets out a nervous laugh. 

“So I think it might actually be fate. Or destiny! I don’t know,” Naruto furrows his brow. “I don’t really understand that type of stuff, but I feel like it’s cosmic. Yeah it’s cosmic to see each other. So what I’m trying to say is-” Naruto takes a deep breath to steady himself. “I think we should be friends. You’re just a cool guy. I wanna be friends with ya.” 

Holy shit. Suigetsu was right. There was no way this wasn’t an elaborate reality tv gag. Sasuke looks around for hidden camera crews and when he sees none he forces himself to reply. “Okay,” he says simply. 

Even at that Naruto absolutely beams. He shakes Sasuke by his shoulders and throws his head back and laughs. “That’s great! That’s awesome! Here take my number and let’s try and hang out this week if you can.” He accepts Sasuke’s phone and sends himself a text quick as lightning. 

“Okay,” Naruto nods while handing his phone back. “Hope I don’t look like a complete freak.” 

“You 100% do,” Sasuke’s honest in his reply. 

“Eh, that’s fine.” Naruto doesn’t seem bothered with it. “Well,” Naruto leans back on his heels. “Bye?” 

Sasuke rolls his eyes. “Yeah. Bye.” He lifts the broken gate to enter and hears Naruto chuckle at that. Sasuke shoots him a small smile, only a hint of teeth, and waves goodbye before he walks up to the door. 

There’s no need to go through with the door routine because as soon as he’s within arm’s reach of it three pairs of hands are on him and pulling him inside the house. 

There is yelling as Sasuke stumbles past the threshold and Juugo steadies him. 

“SHHHHH-” Sasuke hushes them. He peeks out from the door and watches Naruto walk back up the street and out of earshot. “Okay,” He allows. “As you were.” 

Suigetsu and Karin begin shrieking. No words. Just pure absolute noise. 

Sasuke doesn’t listen. Instead he looks at his phone and sees Naruto’s number saved under “Naruto.U” and the text message he had sent himself. 

heyyy handsum

Sasuke wants to hit something.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess the girl at the bus stop!  
> Also I GUESS I updated this lol. I'll try and turn out some updates more regularly than once a year maybe.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi I'm flimsy and unsure about the likelihood or frequency of updates on this so sorry about that. This is an au based off a textpost of mine  
> "au where naruto is a “straight” guy in college who models for a masc gay men magazine (it isnt like. actually porn. its shirtless men fixing cars and working out and posing in jockstraps) and sasuke owns every single edition narutos in and is completely and fully in love until one day sasukes in english class and someone asks if a seat is taken and he looks up and he literally fucking yelps bc there he fucking is. mr sunshine assmeat in the flesh"  
> So there's the story behind this


End file.
